Devil May Care

My curiosity once led me to the woods.

My church dress gliding with the wind,

I followed candy crumbs into dens where shiny teeth gnashed into my spirit & let me loose into a world where I stayed firmly planted on the pavement.  And even as it burned my soles, hot & confining path, I danced on it with obedience.

I said my prayers at night.

I dreamt of purity far beyond my reach still hiding in the woods.

I could still hear the gnashing & the slurping, the thirst & hunger of that which hunted me no more but haunted me forever.

To play, I thought, to laugh without concern for how loud I was.  To take my shoes off without hesitation, to jump in! It seemed so far away too….that child….collateral damage, a casualty caught in the crossfire, left dangling still in between the teeth that tore her dress apart.

I dared not. Until I did.

How many times it took me to step off the well-worn path, brought back by fears, by good intentions which lined the ever growing wall of the path chosen for me, I cannot say. Each time I looked around, I glanced within - allowing a torrent of shame to overcome me. Many times I drowned. Each time, I awoke coughing & crying, but wiser & with calmer waters.

I dared again.

And again.

And again. 

There was a beauty within I’d never seen before, having been drowned, now unearthed, a soul released within, eager to sing, and play, be carefree. Be free. She was little. Her little brown face, big brown eyes, piercing & yearning.  The more I looked, the more I saw.

She had gone from hiding to arms open, wanting a hug.  “I’ll save you,” I said.

She dances now in the aisles of a grocery store when her favorite song comes on.  She sings without grasping for the melody.  Laughs without covering her face. She seeks the unknown, knowing her strength & fights to be heard.  She jumps in, sometimes scared but often not.  She loves even.  She goes in, all the way &, when she’s not met there, she emerges unafraid,  knowing that what’s for her will see her. Because she’s fought to see herself & will take no less than to be seen in return. Because she’s saved herself, & will always be willing, ready, to hold herself in love.

I do not know The truth - but if I truly only get this one life, I will dare. I will play. I will love. I will jump in because I’ve drowned. I’ve died. I’m not afraid to live.