What I am

Not long ago, after feelings of hurt or disillusionment, my response was to wall up…protect myself…to inflate the villain within, the one that prefers detachment & false narratives in order to guard oneself from the pain of loss. It used to be easier to say, “he never loved me,” than it was to admit that the love was as real as the grief I felt from its departure. I walked around proud, cold & unconquerable…..a masculine shield that protected the softness in me yearning for warmth.

I used to think this was my strength.

I understand things differently now.

I trust myself to love, to choose, to use my voice, to walk away if I need to, & I trust myself to be okay.  I don’t have to get cold.  I don’t have to detach from heavy feelings because my strength is in knowing myself. My strength isn’t in being unshakable, as I once thought.  After all, trees root themselves deeper & grow stronger when strong winds test them.  I am not unshakeable.  What I am is deeply rooted. My strength doesn’t come in rejecting what I fear may reject me; it’s in choosing me even if I am rejected. It’s in remaining open, authentic, vulnerable & loving.

Where detachment once meant separating myself from the things that connected me to pain, I see that detachment truly means separating myself from the things that connect me to expectations of what something or someone should be. Grace is probably one of my favorite words for the past year. Before that, for some time, it was shame.  & it wasn’t that I desired the feelings of shame, but it was what I knew. To see how I receive disappointment, disillusionment or hurt now - it truly makes me proud, because the wind will blow, the storm will come.  The objective was never to not be in a storm - it was to withstand, to remain & to keep growing.