#1 Lesson of 2022

I posted the top 4 things I learned in 2022 on my Instagram, but here, just for you online readers, is the main thing I learned in 2022.

But before I tell you the #1 thing I learned in 2022, let me tell you that, in congruence to that main lesson, I also learned that a lot of the work I did was, while not for nothing, was a lot of distracting. Do NOT get me wrong. I am so glad I did it! It was NECESSARY.  I did heartbreak & relationship courses from different coaches, I sat with plant medicine, I journaled, I had countless therapy sessions, I prayed, I went to weekend workshops. I mean, I went on a fuckin’ journey trying to figure out a lot of things, then trying to forgive, then trying to let go.

I can’t tell you where I’m at.

6 months ago, I would have. But today, it feels too personal to share. But, I can say that it’s not where I thought I’d be after all that work & a year's time, but I have decided that I’m okay with what I am feeling right here, right now. Nothing about my feelings & how I experience them is wrong. 

I don’t make them about somebody else, i.e., “he made me feel…” or “It’s so & so’s fault.

I don’t create a story about them, i.e., “maybe this means that….”

I don’t shame myself about them, i.e., “I’m such a [   ] for this feeling…”

Sadness, fear, anger are such invaluable tools. I understand that it doesn’t feel comfortable but they are messengers that invite us into congregation with the rest of ourselves. & so, while I needed to be given new tools & taught how to use them - thank you to all my coaches & medicine practitioners - I also can’t RUN from the confrontation that meeting each feeling will undoubtedly bring.  I was thinking I’d work through stuff once, maybe twice, see it & then bid it goodbye as I moved forward in better understanding of it all, but really, what ended up happening was that I moved forward with understanding that - in the endless meeting of, in the countless facings of - I would need to sit with it for as long as I need to in care & compassion for myself.

All I learned was how to witness it.

I get to move forward each time, & that’s an important thing that all the work taught me to do so, again, I’m not discounting all the other work. But if you don’t learn to simply witness your feelings, not need to change them, just sit with yourself & let yourself be, then, really, all the work is just a distraction.

When it comes to feelings, the only progress that can be made is in our ability to witness it.  This is what we carry with ourselves, & inevitably, I’ll get the question of, “why don’t you just stop carrying this particular thing or another?”  The age of memes & insta-graphics has convinced many people that whatever does not feel good, we can & should just “drop it”.  & that’s really what I wanted to do. My aim wasn’t to “witness my feelings”.  It was to never think of my long-term ex again.  It was to pretend that he didn’t exist.  It was to see him & feel nothing; a stranger in a sea of strangers.  In other words, it was avoidance. That’s not me dropping anything. That’s not even possible unless you’re a legitimate psychopath. It would have been me carrying a burley sack that said, “EX”, then putting a long list of demands of myself inside the already heavy sack & then sticking a new label on top of the REAL label called, “New & Improved Expectations & Frustrations + EX”.  

Moving on.

Letting go.

It doesn’t work that way.

There are things we don’t have to carry, yes, & all the work helped me to sort & discard & add things in, but some things are important, & I want to carry this newfound compassion for myself always.  I want to carry the love that I feel.  I want to carry my boundaries, my voice, with me. & I’m going to cry. I’m going to laugh & love & I get to carry with me the memories & lessons that made this me possible.

I used to carry so much that was harming me. It was so heavy & I was so tired.  The things we carry should be worth carrying; & it’s a much lighter load, trust me.

So, within the confines of this ONE lesson, where I learned to witness my own feelings, where I learned what I could actually stop carrying, that some things are worth carrying, how to carry those with grace, how to gift myself compassion - it all comes down to me learning to love myself.  

To love myself more than I do my fears, that kept me bound to unrealistic, shaming mantras.  To love myself more than I do proving myself.  I wanted to be that hard ass, to move on as fast as he did, to post this or that to prove that I was doing fine, or to create a story of success - but I just don’t give a fuck about that anymore.  I will come forward as authentically as I can, & I am not always pretty. & that’s all you get. What I carry, I carry for me - for my daughters so they see the importance of being their own witness, of not being afraid of hard feelings, or feelings the fear & facing it anyway.  So, loving myself. Cringy, sure. That’s me, baby. Cringy af. ;)