I Know Why Jordan Peterson Cries

I know why Jordan Peterson cries. 

He’s always been brilliant; objective & logical. My favorite thing about him were his moments of silence - ponderance - before answering a question. He didn’t feel the need to fill the space with noise. He wanted to mull over the question & give a response worthy of consideration, of taking up said space.

Ever since his very public struggle to get off benzodiazepines, & his subsequent lengthy recovery, he’s been a more emotional man.

Fuck. I’m going to make myself cry already. Haha. 

He’s still brilliant, objective, logical but there’s more. It’s not to say that he hadn’t struggled before but I think it’s fair to say that he lived in a darker hell for a while there than he’d perhaps previously experienced.  I can’t speak on his journey obviously, but I can speak on mine.

I can tell you that almost dying changes you. I don’t want to discuss that right now. I can’t even really tell you HOW it changes you. Sometimes, I hear my kids laughing & I cry. We can be in the truck & they’re just talking, or I pick them up from school & they’re telling about their day or their shitty day at work & I just well up. I’ve always loved them. I’ve always been grateful for my daughters but there’s a deeper gratitude you tap into when you almost lose that.

When you face a dragon whose breathe you’ve only felt on the back of your neck, when you see the scale of it looming before you, when you find yourself lost in an abyss that you do not know how to escape from, the light….the love…the laughter…it’s so much sweeter. 

I dare not compare my hell to his. All I can tell you is it cracks you open - as it should - & it takes away the things you thought were your strengths & reminds you how hollow you can really be. The accumulated victories? Ash. When the dragon is no longer breathing down your neck but has you deep within his, & you’re losing a war you never thought you’d lose, you come back - if you do - a person not just with more strength, but with more love & compassion than ever. & so when you see suffering or gratitude or love or hate, you weep because you see in that moment, in that person, in that struggle….LIFE.

& that’s nothing to take for granted. Even at its most imperfect, & I don’t want to minimize the struggles of life, but even at its most imperfect, it is worth fighting for.