Spoke Too Soon
Sometimes, I feel like I’m way behind in understanding some things. How can I watch & understand lectures on the evolution of Artificial General Intelligence, or quantum biology, but not understand human relations?
I feel like most everyone my age had over a decade of dating & I’m 38 with 4 years of dating, 2 of which were in a serious, long-term relationship; so not IN the dating scene. I feel like a little girl, head slightly tilted in confusion as I try to make sense of the games people play, the way that perfection & positivity reign in an arena that so obviously isn’t perfect nor positive. I have so many questions, & having dated a bit now, I don’t have less of them, I have more.
I was under the impression, at first, that love conquered all. I don’t quite know where I got that from, honestly, & I realize now that it’s inaccurate, but I so wanted it to be true. I have reflected on this a lot & have concluded 2 things:
I wanted it to be so because I saw marriages & relationships fail 99% of the time, & I wanted to prove everyone wrong. Everyone told me I was wrong &, bitterly, I didn’t believe them. Love was stronger than anything else in the world. Right?
& probably the reality of my stubborn perception, is that I wondered, & at times still do wonder, if I am worth fighting for. If someone can see the needy side of me, the sometimes anxious, over-thinking side of me & still see someone worth loving.
We all have things we carry into our relationships that come from our childhood. Trauma, perhaps, is too strong a word. It’s programming. I have no doubt my parents did the best they could with what they had, & I’m grateful that they improved upon the “code”, if you will. I was taught that my emotions ran too high & that, when they did, I was to go to my room because I was a bother, an annoyance, in those moments. I wasn’t to come out until I was more appealing to those around me, so I cried under my covers, fell asleep, woke up & never talked about whatever it was that hurt me so much again.
Part of the reason it was so hard to move on from my previous 2 year relationship is because it was the first time I allowed myself to be seen. Truly. Naked in every way. In my marriage of 15 years, I played a part. I don’t even consider the brief dating experience after my marriage a true dating experience as it was short & was void of any real dating scenarios; instead jumping right into PTSD inducing experiences, lol.
& by the time my ex came around, I’d at least decided to only bring the real me forward. If someone wanted that weird, overly affectionate me, they’d see it & stay. They could choose me, or not, & it wasn’t personal but, rather, just 2 complex codes that - together - worked. & he chose me. He saw me over & over & over again, & he chose me. He chose me even when I sobbed mid-sex because I had a sudden sexual trauma resurface. He hugged me, kissed my face all over, telling me I was okay. I was safe. & I felt that I was; that’s exactly why it did resurface, because finally, I was safe to let it go.
He chose me when it was time to go home & I realized, in that moment, that I was home.
He chose me even when I licked at him, meowed like a cat & burrowed into him cus what the hell was “too close”? Lol. I remember after our breakup at some point, I was driving, deep in thought & I asked my daughter, “you think I’ll ever find someone that understands my meows again?” She was so sweet, responding, “yea. Eli understands mine & he’s 16.”, as if what I had just asked wasn’t a strange thing at all.
I nodded.
To be seen & to be chosen is love.
& I had never allowed myself to be seen so it felt like I lost everything when he & I broke up.
3 months ago today, my boyfriend asked me to be exclusive after 2 months of casual dating, & - today - we broke up. It wasn’t for lack of care or want. We’re just too different in our needs. He gets to decide how he wants to show up & so do I. We both want to be authentic, but of course, knowing that relationships take work, compromise & room for growth, we wanted to try. & we did. It makes me sad because I had finally allowed, once more, for someone to see me. Mmmm, not the way I did with my ex, but enough to where you let your guard down, you know? & it didn’t work.
Talking to one of my best friends, Katie, last night & this morning, I was reminded that, for the right person, the way I give & need to receive will not be too much. Or maybe it will be, but it’ll be worth it. I think memes are interesting & the one that comes to mind is the one where the woman is saying, “If I’m too much, go find less”, & I don’t see it that way. There’s nothing wrong with how much or how little someone needs. It doesn’t mean that my now new-ex that doesn’t need as much affection or communication as I do is somehow wrong, or whoever he finds that fits his needs better is somehow “less”. We’re just not all going to fit together, & that little puzzle piece that we sometimes want to wriggle into that one spot, maybe just belongs somewhere else. Somewhere just as lovely & beautiful & interesting. Just not next to me.
It’s okay. Everything is as it should be.
Don’t mistake my logic & understanding as a lack of emotion. I am hurt. I am sad. & I’m grateful that I’m working alone today because I get to cry if I need to, & I am. Sadness is always so interesting because I think we’re often mourning things we don’t know we’re mourning. Like, I knew there were misalignments. It was clear. So I’m not really mourning that cus I’ve been mourning that, in a way. I’m mourning stability, cus I really do NOT feel like dating again, lol. Even after my first ex, L, I did not want to date. & being in the dating scene is just not a scene that appeals to me. I’d much rather be alone the rest of my life than to try & find something that, honestly, I can do without.
I’ve been married before.
I have birthed & raised 2 daughters.
I have met the love of my life & lived a lifetime with him for 2 years.
I was courageous enough to open my heart again.
I will seek adventure, & adventure will meet me there. But that’s all I will seek, ever, & whoever shows up will be met with an open mind, & perhaps one day, an open heart. I promise to not shut myself off again, or retreat into the familiar darkness. It’s not like that.
Funny how peaceful going through hell makes you.
With so much love & grace,
Judy
