Timid Courage

INTRO: I write dramatically in my journal too, as you’ll see. Welcome to an entry from 1/2024 &, please, stay for the outro because the way this made me reflect on my current state of heart & mind made me kind of nauseous, lol. 

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1/24

I’m a bit unsure.

That is why I’m here.

Sometimes, when things come up, I can type out the emotions because it’s on the surface, but this feels deeper.  &, for this, I must unravel each letter & help it make sense, or let them unravel me, so that I make sense.

You see, I feel a bit lost &, when I feel lost, I go make it a reality; I make some corner of the earth a question & I traverse it. I hike it.  
Somewhere between when my heel touches the earth & my spirit, the sky, things become clear.  But I cannot go get lost today.

Perhaps tomorrow.

So why am I unsure? Why am I lost?

Because, Book……what else is a person when they face themselves again in a way that is both old & new?  This is familiar and, yet, unknown.

I will stop writing in metaphors now.

I met someone I like. 

Then I met myself anew & I do not like her.

I haven’t liked her since I met her, though I have tried loving her.

(I can’t stop writing in metaphors)

I have run from real & true feelings since [--------].

I had put so much of myself - to my own destruction - in him that I had no choice but to rebuild. & I did.

A self-love emerged.

A newfound confidence.

& I am grateful! I am.  Loving him was necessary, as was losing him.

In that journey, I found a me I’d never known. A me I created too.

Entirely new.

But these triggers- they wait.

They slumber. & as soon as I say, “I am ready”, they awake.

Not as before, no, which is the only way I know there’s been progress.

My thoughts are not the same.

My reaction is not the same.

But the FEAR - is.

That has not changed, & that is the part that frustrates me the most.

I have dated casually quite a bit & my heart has rested squarely with my brain. Logic wins, & my heart?

In tact.

Untouched.

Safe.

But alone.  Still, I don’t want to present just anyone to my heart so it doesn’t matter. Soon as I’d let someone else go, my heart would sigh in relief knowing we, she & I, remained in safety.

But now, NOW, I met someone I like, & I am allowing him, ever so slowly, close my heart.

She is in a PANIC.

Logic abandons us, so I must call it forward & demand rational thought.

I must wrestle with my own self simply to not run away & hide in the safety of aloneness.

I *have to* show up for myself.

I MUST.

There is no other alternative.

If  I am to be met in authentic love, I am to be my authentic self.

There is a lifetime of abandonment behind my pain, but also a lifetime of strength.

I must remember this. 

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OUTRO: My next entry, in case you’re wondering, was me deciding to run away. To end that particular thing. & it was probably the right thing to do, but did I give it a chance? Truly? No. My heart - she’s a runner, she’s a track star. & so, as I struggle with myself to KEEP. SHOWING. UP. even now, in the present. So, I cried this morning. I cried like I was little again. Sobbed & allowed the throbbing fear in my heart to pour out into my lap, & allowed myself to be seen. It is painfully uncomfortable. I recommend it…but also, it was the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. It took wrestling with every fiber of my fear to step timidly into courage. 

Step timidly into courage with me today.

Whatever that looks like.