Dear Daughter,

[This letter was homework from my therapist. I don’t have a mom that gives me advice but I do have daughters. In the middle of a confusing relationship, she assigned me to imagine my daughter was in my shoes. What would you write to her, she asked. Here are my words to all us hurting daughters without mothers…..]

Hey baby.

I’m writing to you because I love you & I want only the best for you. When something isn’t aligning with who you are or what you want, my momma heart hurts for you. I know I can’t fix everything or make your choices for you but I wanted to put some of my thoughts into words.

Baby, I know you love him. & I don’t doubt that he loves you too. What I ask that you see - apart from the love - is how he holds that love for you, & in return, how it makes you hold your love for yourself. Why do I want you to look at that? Because love is a choice, yes, but there’s a fraction of love, as a verb, that is also a natural catalyst to how we view the entire world, including ourselves.

Love won’t always bring out the best of ourselves; it’s triggering & raw & lends itself to being seen & held…& healing. But love shouldn’t JUST be triggering. In the rawness of the container of love , even when fractures occur, there needs to be a softness, a mutual respect of where the other is at, in order to be met there. If that mutual respect is consistently & constantly shaken, the triggering becomes less about healing & more about hurting. Hurting just to hurt, baby, won’t take you both where you both deserve to go.

I hate to sound cliche, it’s really my least favorite thing when it comes to matters of the heart as it can seem like I’m minimizing your heart to some well-cached phrase, so I hope you see my heart as I say this: Every relationship exists for its moment for a reason. It teaches us so much about ourselves; what we want, don’t want, how to use your voice, how to let others use theirs, etc. So I know you two are connected for a reason, but as your mother, as someone on the outside looking in, I ask you to stop for a second, turn around towards the relationship & see it. Truly see it. & I ask that you search within yourself to answer some questions for yourself. Is this what I want? What I deserve? Is this how I want to be loved? Is this how I want to love someone? Can we teach each other to be better versions of ourselves? Or is that better version to be found elsewhere, perhaps?

I want you to know that the choice is yours. There is no one to point a finger to if this turns out to be a magical, healthy union. You would have chosen it. On the contrary, if this turns out to cause more hurt & confusion, you would have chosen it. It’s important you know the power you have over your own life. I love you. I’m here always.