A Season In The Sun

It was the last Friday of the month &, given that goal had eluded me & the team all month long, it had been a stressful final day, but one that gotten us to the finish line successfully. I wasn’t even supposed to work the hours I did but I wasn’t in a rush to leave work, honestly. A few weeks before, I'd have left work, gone to the gym & then to H-E-B to pick dinner up for my boyfriend & I. We’d have cooked together, or I for him, but since breaking up, it was just gym & work. Working late or overtime never bothers me, but when our relationship ended, I welcomed the extra hours.

Our Texas summers have been the hottest on record &, as I jumped into my truck, the heat wave simmering in my seat felt overwhelmingly dry but a sort of nice escape from the low temps in the office. I have to call Julia, I scolded myself.  I’d been putting it off but Julia, being a nurse & my best friend of over 20 years, was bound to make me feel better.  I hope.  I’d been dealing with a strange pain all week & I wanted to get her input.

Julia, more specifically, was MY nurse for all things real & imagined.

She picked up,

“hello?”  

“Hey. I’m dying.”

“You are NOT dying. What’s going on?”

I went into a brief summary of my symptoms to which she responded in a scientifically sound matter-of-fact tone.  Okay. I guess I wasn’t dying.

 “How else are you?”, she asked.

 I know what this means.  She means emotionally. “Oh, I’m fine. You know, I have moments but, overall, I’m good.” 

“That’s good….”

“I think I went from sad to denial to angry. So now I’m angry…..”, I said as I turned into I-35 traffic. “...but how are YOU?

There was a long pause from us both.

“Ok…...AND DO YOU KNOW WHY I’M ANGRY?”, I continued, knowing that for my best friend of over 20 years, there was no hiding.  It was as if the bit of steam I’d been slowly letting seep through suddenly grew hotter, made worse by the scorching sun beaming on me as I drove in bumper to bumper traffic. 

“Because this is what I know…”,

& I proceeded to tell her everything I knew about myself, about him, our different attachment styles, how I saw the propensity in me to coach healing to him so we could make our relationship work. “& I’m not doing it. I’m NOT!”

There’s a difference, I explained, between real work that we can do in relationship with one another, but coaching someone, aka, telling him “you’re avoidant, I’m this, here’s what you do, here’s what I do, then we stay together until this cycle where you want to run repeats, then I chase you by coaching you more..” That’s manipulation. Not ill intended, by any means, but manipulation nonetheless.  So I did what I am healthily ok to do: I asserted my commitment to the relationship, I inquired about his thoughts (not mine) concerning his individual needs, negotiated how I could best meet those without abandoning MY boundaries/needs, & gave grace whenever possible.  I allowed myself to feel uncomfortable at times, knowing that there was work in there for me to do, & I did that. I regulated my emotions, managed my expectations & expressed gratitude when I felt safe & heard.

That’s what I can do.

I can give a book & say, “this helped me…this resonated in this way”, but I cannot say “Read this & hear this podcast or read this Instagram post so you can learn how to be with me.”

I approached our differences, and his feelings, with curiosity. &, whenever I had a thought that reminded me about my old patterns; the need to be in control, to lead & overreach; I paused. I’ve come too far & I’ve done too much of my own work to let the fear of losing a relationship lead me into losing myself.  No.  & it’s not what he wanted either.  He didn’t have to say it. I know he loved me & cared for me. Our ending wasn’t one that was welcomed or easy for either of us.  Just a year & a half before, going through a devastating breakup, I learned that love is, unfortunately, not enough. I learned that, sometimes, the more you hang on, the more you harm the very person you love.  I learned that letting go was, at times, the most loving thing you could do.

The truck came to slow stop.  Checking the GPS screen, I could see the now yellow line indicating the stretch of highway that paused temporarily under a stubborn 5pm sun. 

Have you ever wanted to be seen? - my mind began to wander - Not just as you are in that moment in time, perhaps a bit of a hot mess, struggling, but as who you KNOW you are deep inside, as who you know you’re becoming & are going to be? 

I could hear Julia talking to me, but these questions danced in my head as traffic began to inch forward.

I was remembering how, after my ex husband & I separated, I was in dire financial straits.  It was the hardest thing I’d ever done but I knew what I was working towards, & I knew what I was going to build for myself.  I know what it's like, I thought, to want to be seen. 

I saw him, I realized. Not just him now, not in whatever vulnerable state he saw himself in, not in the struggle - but the him he is inside & the him that is going to be - “potential” some will say, except I believed in his vision, his hustle. I was being for him who I had needed to be there for me.

“Julia, let me call you back, traffic is being a bitch.”

It wasn’t a lie but, also, my mind was getting somewhere.  All the circles my thoughts had been making were finally unraveling into something I could use.

I had gone through a lot: a shit situation in 2019 that left me scarred, followed by a beautiful relationship that was eventually impacted by the trauma 2019 had left me with, then healing, therapy, the work, writing, almost dying - until finally, a healthy ME, & I showed up as a version of myself I wish I could have been long before.  But, finally, I was there, & this time, it was he that wasn’t ready for me. 

Life is funny that way.

But I believe in the purpose.  I needed to see my heart flourish & give & be vulnerable & love without restraint.  I won’t pretend to know what it was I helped him see, if anything at all. But one of the last things I told him, & I believe this, is that THIS is what we’re made for.  I was a season & I dare not try to understand why, but I know for me, I had needed him, our relationship, & even our ending, to be as it was.  

It showed me that the me I’d been fighting hard to become was here. Present. 

So there’s no reason to be angry, Judy, I reminded myself. How can I be, when in the reflection of those 9 months, I met the me I prayed for? In the reflection of the love I’ve given & lost, I found a love in & for myself that never leaves me empty.

5:43pm. 

Traffic finally begins to pull forward gently, & as the sun slowly relinquishes its blistering hold from above & begins its surrender, so do I.