A Revelation For The Taking

I must confess.

I’ve not been the best me as of late.

I’m not sure I have been inauthentic, that’s not what I’m saying.

I think most people find themselves in moments where they’re not who they want to be & say, “I wasn’t myself”, or “I wasn’t being authentic”, but that’s not true. I’m not saying it’s a lie, but it’s not true.

See, if I have been a certain way, behaved or reacted in ways I don’t find flattering for myself, it’s because there’s a part of me that is exactly that. It’s not true that I wasn’t being myself because if I wasn’t being myself, Myself wouldn’t have been behaving that way. It would have been incomprehensible.

But, I dare say a part of me even embraced this me that isn’t who I want to be exactly.

It’s one of those gray areas where you aren’t who you were & you’re working towards a greater understanding, & in that in between, in that forest of unsurety where some things look familiar but many things lurk in the shadows, it’s there….that new questions or new bravery, push you to understand.

Perhaps that’s a justification.

No.

What is a justification is my honesty; my retort that I have made myself explicitly clear in every way, & I have.

See, at some point, I became an injured dog licking her wounds & limping about.

I went through my season of healing, of aloneness, of growth, self-love & rebuild.

I had only touched that season briefly before so, at that point, I tucked my tail squarely between my legs & bravely cowered into seclusion.

Then, a moment of hesitant readiness, & it came & went, ebbed & flowed - I rode the wave bravely & with skill.

Still.

When the ride was over, I walked away & having old wounds & new wisdom, I decided - rather consciously - to forge ahead. In fact, this season, I had decided, I will give…..nothing. I had given everything. I had sucked the marrow out of myself & I had nothing; not effort, not sweetness, not affection, & certainly not love.

There’s nothing really wrong with it, I don’t think. I wasn’t angry or bitter. In fact, I felt more soft than ever. I was entirely open to being given to, which had never been a thing for me. If I had accepted something before, I did so with a pang of guilt. So when I was approached time & again with kindness, lavish experiences & gifts, this time, I accepted graciously.

Again. Nothing really wrong with that as far as I could tell.

Except. Humans do as they do, & despite my honesty of where I was - essentially emotionally unavailable, & celibate - & my gentle but unwavering boundaries, a man’s desire to conquest persists, & as such, I am presently unconquerable. & so, a part of me was perplexed because I gave explicit instructions, “expect nothing from me” &, suddenly, expectations. So I reject them, of course.

& therein lies the conundrum because, on the one hand, I gave explicit instructions. On the other, humans are not machines & we don’t exist in one emotional compartment where the programming is unchanging.

So the best me, as far as I can tell, is the me that gives. She is considerate of the strangeness of humans & the ways in which we dance through life, off beat, without knowing when the song ends, often unconscious of an end in sight even. She sees the grays & the in-between-the-lines & adjusts accordingly.

She is warm, not just soft. She is not just safe, as I finally am, but safety in return.

It was a short lived experience that I allowed myself, to finally be given to in such a way, & I am grateful, but the best me is a giver.

I had learned to love the way I love.

Now, I also love the way I give.