The Devil’s in the Details
“The depth to which I love = the depth to which I can be hurt”
I made a video post about this while in relationship with my ex. I was actually sitting outside our apartment at the time, on the hammock we often climbed into together. Despite the many beautiful moments in our relationship, the video exposed a deep-seeded fear: being hurt again.
After my marriage, I got into what I call The Shit-Show Relationship. While not a very long one, it left me reeling &, honestly, traumatized. It took me almost a year to gain a sense of normalcy & peace in my spirit. I had found my footing again, and then, relationship 2 walked into my gym & my life.
I was terrified.
But, my shit-show ex didn’t deserve power to dictate how I stepped into this new relationship, & my then-bf didn’t deserve to carry the burden of old pain.
The tables turn.
I have considered the parallels of my last 2 relationships; the similarities &, of course, the role I played in both. When I do consider the two, I’m struck with both the cruelness & wisdom of Life.
I won’t go into the sordid details here but suffice it to say that the emotions that took hold in one, eventually reigned in the other, except I found myself on the opposite end. Where shit-show ex once sat, I now begrudgingly occupied the space. He had been so fucked up to me, I couldn’t freely love him anymore. Our relationship had become a prison & peace was nowhere to be found. No matter how much he apologized, cried or begged, my heart was turned ice & he knew it. He tried. I know he did. I know it now. But I only know it now because in relationship 2, it was I that apologized, cried, begged & was met with a wall as grand as the one I had built before.
Everything comes around.
It is meant to. It softens our egos, shifts our perspective, sheds light on humanity & reveals our shadow.
There’s much to consider. The devil is in the details, but I do think if I consider the nuances of both relationships, like the kind of lies in one vs the other, it’s easy to justify your own behavior. I suppose I could say, “well, 1 was physically, mentally & emotionally abusive, so I deserve less judgment because I wasn’t all those things.” See? The devil.
But if I peel away at the details & look at the emotions; fear, desperation, anger, hopelessness. Well suddenly I can see myself in shit-show ex. I felt all of those things. I may not have reverted to the behavior he did, but it was nevertheless the same consuming emotions.
Whereas my shit-show ex straddled me on the bed, shaking me forcefully, screaming, “why don’t you love me anymore?!?!”, I lay in bed, numb, heartbroken, crying, wondering the same thing about my then-bf.
The details matter sometimes, sure. The details can also muddle the connection to the lesson. We do this thing where we play some kind of mathematical computation scheme in our mind & allow ourselves small leeway’s. Juuuust enough elbow room to be better than the other person. Juuuust enough to tell ourselves we’re not THAT bad, “at least I didn’t do what THEY did”.
But it doesn’t matter what they did because WHAT DID *I* DO? What could I have done differently? And hindsight is 20/20, but only if we remove the ego. Otherwise, we’re still wearing rose colored glasses. The devil still sits on our shoulders, wearing the details on his horns.
