Sleep, Dragon
I have a friend that I met through interesting circumstances. In fact, I have a few. I’ll tell you about the first, and then I'll tell you about the latest.
The first one, I met online, in my ex-husbands inbox. I had just had my first baby not 5 months ago & there I was, waking up my then husband in the middle of the night, yelling at him to explain, crying & hitting his chest - not with force - but with a defeated sort of strength, if you can call it that. I left the house that night, and left on a bus back home the next day. My mom rarely gave good advice but one I knew was right & true is that “if you stay & make it easy, they’ll do it again.” So I packed what I could & took our daughter back to our hometown. Months went by & eventually, I returned but as half the woman I was before. A huge chunk of me felt anger, insecurity & fear. For 2 years, I’d obsess over this other woman & I compared my post-baby body to hers, still untouched by pregnancy & motherhood. I had chosen to leave the workforce to have & tend to my babies; she had a career I had dreamed of. Finally, I decided enough was enough. Truth be told, I’m not sure she’d done much wrong. She didn’t quite put an end to the communication, but she hadn’t been actively pursuing my then husband. I figured that everyone has redeeming qualities; she must too, and I needed to find them before the anger ate all the way through me. Long story short, I reached out, we became friends of sorts & I got to know in some sense, a woman that is beautiful in many ways.
The forgiving, I want to clarify, was for myself. This was a selfish pursuit on my end because, had I not done this, I’d have hated them both forever. I’d be bitter, still being consumed by it rather than seeing the fallibility in their humanity & then letting it go.
The latest one is a betrayal on a much smaller scale, but a betrayal nonetheless. In my conversations with this new-friend-formed-out-of-strange-circumstances, I found & saw an incredibly beautiful & vulnerable human being, tired of being used, discarded & seeking that love that I, too, had sought for far too long. I often remind her that I am not that far ahead from her. Just a year ago, in fact. Hell, just half a year ago, I was still deeply in pain, in full mourning for a man & relationship I told everyone I had no hope for, but that was a lie. Even in the most hopeless moments, when we hadn’t spoken in months, had zero contact, even then, there was a sliver of hope in my heart. I had made him a home in my Being & I was vacant, but warm, waiting for winter to pass & for him to come back home to me. I was fine with a lonely winter - frigid, freezing waters surrounding me - because our kind of love was worth it. A delusion, I recognize now. But all that to say that I see a slightly younger in me in my new friend.
Some may think it strange; in fact, I'd say that most would, but I fail to see the point in harboring feelings that end up harming me. Again, a selfish pursuit. I refuse to allow anyone to make use of the monster within me. We all have that monster, that dragon in slumber - as Jordan B. Peterson often references - & it has its use, to be sure. This monster, this dragon…it can push us outside the bounds of what is comfortable & familiar, urges us to act when we are frozen in inaction, allows us to unsheathe our otherwise idle sword & forces us to step forward into the unknown. But, it can also consume us if we let it. I can burn us with its breath from the inside out, callusing our spirit, rotting us from within until we are too weakened in mind, body & spirit to fight back.
I can, if I wanted, allow this monster within to rule; reasons & excuses for succumbing to it, I do not lack. Whether I turn the sword on myself or allow it to be turned for me, is my choice. I could go on, despising & condemning those that have wronged me &, in some instances, I’d be perfectly within my senses to do so. No one would think me wrong. But I see a larger picture here, one that contains my own wrongs, one that is the nemesis in someone else’s story.
How can I be better today than I was yesterday? This is always the question.
The way, for me, is to see people in a light that reveals a basic, human need or desire. A need, that is the driving force behind our decisions, & when I look at my ex’s, these women turned acquaintances or friends, I want to see what is beyond me because if I see what is beyond me, I see how little any of it had to do with me.
We are often caught in the crossfire of someone else’s war with themselves.
So, what do I do with this information? It’s not to say, “oh, this had nothing to do with me, I’m clear of it all, I’m perfect as I am.” It is not to dismiss, but to recognize myself. I can only see me if I also see you. Selfish, I know, to look for what others often glaze over because I seek understanding, I seek forgiveness, I seek wisdom. Because I will not be slayed by a dragon I harbor.
